Your Mother is a Horcrux

whatshouldtimcallme:

i’m just like,

A string of rather quite brilliant emails that passed between my housemates today.  We have recently lost our access to the internet and we all feel like we have been cast back into the middle ages….while we are at home.  Atleast we are able to return to the 21st century by simply leaving our house.

A young woman named Teju (who I suspect lives under a distant sun) has turned the corperate wheels againt themselves. Rather than the customary bribe, Verizon shall accept the ruined husk of our current modem. A new era of connectivity will begin in two business days.
Unfortunately I will be in Texas and unable to accept delivery. Can
someone post watch and manage the exchange?

For the shed!

   -F

To my dismay, the corporate wheels will still be grinding away at me on Tuesday. Nakki, will you still be around then?

F, will our new era of connectivity usher in sweeping changes possibly including higher bandwidth capabilities?

For the shed!
— E

Unfortunately the glorious new dawn of fiber optic bliss remains
distant from our lowly fife. The wheels of progress grind slowly
indeed.

For the Shed!
   -F

The harsh ties of familial allegiance have sunk their claws firmly in
my chest.  I most likely will be whisked off to the distant desert and be subsisting on mere libations and patties of bovine and crustacean flesh by the coming day of Tue.

Can our corporate overlords be convinced to send our salvation to
E’s place of grinding?

For the Shed!!
-Nakki

If our corporate overlords would be so kind and merciful, my place of grinding would be a willing receipt of our salvation. The blood-stained and war-charred facilities lay in the faraway land of Q, on 553rd plot of a via known as S Street. Souls who are more familiar with the parcel delivery system refer to the area simply by a numeric code, 0—-7. If our overlords are not so forgiving, a delayed era of connectivity is bearable since daily I will have to make the arduous journey to my place of grinding anyway, where connectivity is spotty but existent.

In other news, is any member of the Shed going to be around for celebrating the resetting of the months?

For the Shed,
— E

I fear that emissaries may have already been dispatched and might be unwilling or unable to reroute to the suggested rally point. I shell
attempt a renegotiation and apprise you of the results.

At the auspicious coming of the year of our lord two thousand and
eleven I anticipate having returned to these harsh northern lands, but thought to seek solace at the festivities so graciously organized by one Sir A. Is this, perchance, related to the line of
dialog you wished to explore?

For the Shed!

-F

Unfortunately, the machinations of the corporate engine are inexorable and the destination cannot be altered. During my parley I was able to glean more detailed information suggesting that the package would be transported via Next Day Air. Soon it should be possible to scry its location with the incant of 1K4716920498325267 to better arrange a representative to negotiate transfer of ownership in the event of a Monday arrival. Alternatively, a signatory ought to be capable of arranging by proxy for transfer in absentia using a provided notice.

For the Shed!
   -Forrest